I've found recently my name in Jewish Gematria means
Write the Vision, The Mercy Seat, and Prophet.
I have a story for whoever wants to read about it. It's not an easy one to tell. But, it's time to write the vision I have/see and why in its entirety. It all leads back to why I fit the meaning of my name. Driven by the meeting of, and coming to know, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ / Yeshua HaMashiac. The one and only begotten son.
He is the way, the truth, and the life. No one gets to the Father but by Jesus.
My story is not a tale. It's wild at times, adventurous, and even quite scary. But, it's 100% true! My spiritual journey really began when I'd met some very good-natured and loving people as a child. Them days I spent a couple of weeks in a church. Learning about the birth of Christ and what it meant. I can recall believing just that. Before I even knew it; I knew. I could feel something in the presence of this spirit that no other feeling could compare with. However, having only spent a couple of weeks in the church, thoughts of him were short-lived.
Life as a child was pretty normal. Meaning what's normal for me anyhow. My mom screamed and cussed. Would go as far as punching you in your belly for playing her atari game (she did me once) and calling you occasional names when angered. A little bitch here and a bitch there. Sometimes I'd get to hear how much of a whore I was (long before I even knew what that meant).
Life as a child was pretty normal. Meaning what's normal for me anyhow. My mom screamed and cussed. Would go as far as punching you in your belly for playing her atari game (she did me once) and calling you occasional names when angered. A little bitch here and a bitch there. Sometimes I'd get to hear how much of a whore I was (long before I even knew what that meant).
Yep! That's my normal life.
No God. No structure. A home where everyone yells at everyone and instead of helping one another they'd rather turn their backs or make it harder. However, deep inside hating that ugliness. I still would resort to doing things like beating my sister in anger/rage. I was a normal Vazquez kid pretty much.
An eventual assault from within the family happened on a couple of occasions (with two separate members around a few years apart) and I began wanting to get away from the life I'd been in. And it was just a marker of things beginning.
By the time I was around 14, I went to a birthday party. Hosted by a Tara Skidmore. A girls sleepover but boys allowed till 11. Her boyfriend at the time sneaks up on me as I am peeing behind a semi. I'd asked him to leave. But, he chose to come onto me instead. I'd told him he was a pig for trying to come on to me while his girlfriend was there. Then Boom Tara arrives. Now, me being who I am, I'd told her what had happened. But somehow that turned out to be my fault.
Because that girl obviously wanted to ruin me over that boy Al she went and told people I'd went playing off by myself to screw a hot dog and wind up needing them to rush me to a hospital cause I'd gotten it stuck. She told everyone they had to surgically remove it. It wasn't a day that went by that I didn't hear nasty comments and remarks that were embarrassing and false at that!
Could've been around this time that ideas of murder began to pop into my head.
But, the first time I took a life, it took mine. And I was forced into doing it.
But, the first time I took a life, it took mine. And I was forced into doing it.
At the age of 14, I became pregnant. Just before finding out I'd started running away from home. As the sexual assault on me and my mother's way of venting her anger through name-calling such as whores (when I was a virgin) was too much. So, running away seemed like the feasible thing to do. Eventually, I'd been caught.
After doing this several times the courts took me as a "ward of the state". Stamped and labeled as a "problem child" instead of a child with problems... I was sent off to live in a Children's home. After a week or so there. I'd escaped, again, Mom found me. This time I was given the option to spend time in the children's home or get "fixed" in a short 4-week program. Which wasn't the case. But that's neither here nor there. I'd chosen the hospital thinking to myself I can sleep that long and it's over.
It was during that stay I'd found myself pregnant. My mother told me on a phone call. She also informed me of an away visit I would be taking the next week with her to an abortion clinic.
It was during that stay I'd found myself pregnant. My mother told me on a phone call. She also informed me of an away visit I would be taking the next week with her to an abortion clinic.
I'd spent the week thinking about this life. The one forming in me. What was the destiny of that life? What did that life look like? Fearful of being a young mother who couldn't provide for her kid weighed down on me and in my time of need my mother informed me she wouldn't be taking any kids into the house and I had no choice but to abort even adoption wasn't an option for her. She felt it would "smear" my name. I'd said, well... what if I don't agree? She says "Too bad my life is not mine until I'm 18". But, it sure felt like it-ya know as if this life was mine and the choices should be too- and I wanted to be the one to decide. Informed of all the tragic things that would happen if I didn't go along with what she felt was best for me (even though I'd spoken about how I felt about it) I had no choice.
All the while wanting to RUN FOR ANYWHERE BUT THERE!!! I wanted to protect the life in me.
My ugly grew tremendously from within. Young and beautiful with the world in the palm of my hands. But NO LOVE IN ME, I'd lost that love. When I killed her, a precious child who didn't ask to be made. Although she came to me in my dreams the following nights and told me that she was ok, she was with God and God was going to give her back to me soon; Don't worry mamma she said. I'm with God and I'm ok she said. I couldn't help but feel helpless. Why was I forced into committing murder? How could anyone feel that people's opinions were more important than their own blood?
My ugly grew tremendously from within. Young and beautiful with the world in the palm of my hands. But NO LOVE IN ME, I'd lost that love. When I killed her, a precious child who didn't ask to be made. Although she came to me in my dreams the following nights and told me that she was ok, she was with God and God was going to give her back to me soon; Don't worry mamma she said. I'm with God and I'm ok she said. I couldn't help but feel helpless. Why was I forced into committing murder? How could anyone feel that people's opinions were more important than their own blood?
A really hard topic to talk about for many years. But, that changed.
I'd like to point out that I'd strongly felt she was around the age of 3-4 in my dream. Very sharp and articulate for such a small one. She wore a robe similar to one I had. I didn't realize until she wore it. Walking into my room with on a Christmas in the year 2004 with this robe. My jaw hit the floor. My dreams, the child I now have, the two were identical twins. What she told me in the dream. Mamma, I'm ok, and God will give me back to you, came true?
This is who she is; an EXACT twin to the baby I was forced to kill!
Leaving no room for questions here, I am 100% positive this is the same child I'd seen the night I aborted the baby and had that dream, and to this day I know in my heart she is the same child.
Actually, I'd had the dream two nights in a row. They were so real. And then to have her in front of me many years later? It was more than a miracle.
I'd realized this as the days of her 3rd birthday approached. The similarity between the two grew exponentially and I knew that what she told me was the truth...
God gave her back to me...
But, of course, during these days Tiffani hadn't arrived yet. So all I had was that dream and a little hope. During, my stay at the hospital I was approaching my four weeks there and I wanted out. But, I refused to talk. ( Btw, I can talk a lot. So that's saying a ton for me.) Anyhow, my release was looking bleak. That's when the nature of my beast started to hunger for more power. Things had to go my way from here out because I wasn't going to allow someone to make me do anything ever again.
I began learning ways to manipulate people. Saying one thing and meaning another. Double-minded essentially. Seeing nothing but possibilities to put behind me what I started to view as a bleak existence. What I desired, I would get, and the force I'd decided to harness was bound to take me there.
Within a week I'd started talking and managed to be released in 7 days after doing so!
Although I'd hated my home life, I'd decided to "go along" with the demands of home. However, it never stopped me from doing what I wanted -or doing whatever I wanted- when I wanted and still be seen as being obedient. So life rolled along. That was until I met satan.
Although I'd hated my home life, I'd decided to "go along" with the demands of home. However, it never stopped me from doing what I wanted -or doing whatever I wanted- when I wanted and still be seen as being obedient. So life rolled along. That was until I met satan.
I've written about meeting satan and I also met the Messiah the night I was baptized. Most people- who don't get to understand all that I talk about- end up thinking
1. I am crazy
2. I thought this happened / made-up
3. Don't know what to think yet
So, I'm always urging people to learn my whole testimony because the testimony I have of Jesus Christ coming in and loving a girl like me (in my eyes) is better than a reality show.
1. I am crazy
2. I thought this happened / made-up
3. Don't know what to think yet
So, I'm always urging people to learn my whole testimony because the testimony I have of Jesus Christ coming in and loving a girl like me (in my eyes) is better than a reality show.
I do not desire fame or fortune. I don't care so much to be recognized. All glory goes to the edification of Christ The Lord of Lords and King of Kings. I would however like to impress upon you the undying truth as our world stands today, and how I know its current conditions, and how the scriptures are the only thing anyone of us needs.
Certainly, someone from my past -that's still around- can vouch for the fact that one day I had planned to write. In my young adult years, I'd written a letter of being possessed by a spirit, not of this world, to write a book that would be dedicated to my family.
At the time I had two boys and was living in Chicago.
Many years, many moves, and even a house fire later that letter came back to me. Of all things to survive. That did. I recently had to rid myself of the letter due to some unforeseen issues that required me to leave them behind (my targeting; I've spent years running).
1998 the paper read.
I was shocked myself. But. after having lived such a supernatural life. It's clear to me why my name has the meaning it does. I am meant to be here at this moment. Just as you are meant to be reading this at the time.
I'm using two blogs to tell my story but from two different perspectives. This one is dedicated to all the feelings, actions, and non-action I wouldn't dare tell anyone. https://carmensloved.blogspot.com is dedicated to telling my testimony from a more business-like perspective (even if none of this testimony suits the system of things). So, if you would like to follow along or know more, subscribe to the blog! I've already got a few posts up.
When people tell me Jesus isn't real, or that I'm on the wrong path, I can't help but laugh at them because I've been on the wrong path many times. But, when you search for God with your whole heart you find him. And after meeting satan and then the Messiah then being blessed with miracles like this you can't help but want to know!
When people tell me Jesus isn't real, or that I'm on the wrong path, I can't help but laugh at them because I've been on the wrong path many times. But, when you search for God with your whole heart you find him. And after meeting satan and then the Messiah then being blessed with miracles like this you can't help but want to know!
In light of the tone of these stories to be shared on this blog. I hope you find the ups and downs in emotions that I have, and desire to understand the power of love that brought me here to share such different and difficult times in my life, sparking a real desire to know Jesus too. He didn't die just for me. He died for you too!
Shalom
All Glory to Jesus Christ
